I can't believe that 8 years ago today, our first baby entered this world. It was a snowy day and a LONG day. We finally met that miracle we'd been praying for at 9:16 PM. It was somewhat of a blur, but, also one of those days that I remember so *crystal clear* - which, I've learned in the past 14 years of marriage, that, my memory isn't exactly the same as Robbie's :). I'm sure there are things that I think happened that maybe didn't....But, I know for sure that I remember being wheeled down that hallway, pressing the button that plays a lullaby (that notifies everyone else of that sweet miracle you just brought into this world), and, wanting to cry at every bump of change in flooring - because, I'd had a C-section and I have no tolerance for pain. That stuff hurt, though, people. I do agree with Rob, though, after 16 years together, that I have a very low tolerance for pain. I think we'd both agree, too, that no one in our family of 5 is/was cut out to be a nurse. Case in point, my recent bout with the flu....but, I'm not holding any grudges :).
At this point, I think we can all agree that this blog is no longer just a diary of my children...it's all about Momma...and, I can admit that. Writing is counseling, therapy, a memory book, all of those things to me. Just want to put that out there!
We celebrated Molly all weekend with a party where everyone "adopted" a Beanie Boo pet, went out to dinner with us and her BFF, Nanna and Pop the next night, and Annie and T on her actual birthday, today. I think she feels appropriately celebrated :). She had a great weekend and a great day (off from school!!) - Nanna took them to Catch Air while I worked a few hours, and, then we watched the clock until 9:16 PM so she could officially turn 8 before she went to sleep!
Man, I love that girl. She is strong willed, opinionated, full of energy, a morning person....so much of what I am not...but, she is the answer to my prayers. I drive her crazy with my hatred for mornings, and, she drives me equally crazy with her inability to sit still. I wouldn't trade her for the world. I know that God has big things planned for you, my sweet Molly. I cannot wait to continue to see what God has in store for you.
What feels like a lifetime ago happened a month and four days ago. Not to overshadow Moo's birthday, but, it's there. There's a grey cloud ever present, and, we've had such a sweet, loving support system. I said before, and, I'll say it again - because I'm a terrible thank you card writer - the sweet cards, the food, the flowers, the hugs, the phone calls, the texts...every prayer. They have all been felt and appreciated so much. I don't know that I will ever be the same, but, maybe being forever changed is okay, too. I think that everyone is more resilient than the Mother in situations where you lose the life your were expecting. The kids were playing house about two weeks ago, and, Madeline was the "baby". She proclaimed her name the name we'd picked for the baby. I sat in the den, pretending to work on my laptop, and, trying my best not to sob. Molly asked me today if she could have a puppy for her birthday - I laughed. She said, "Well, we lost Calloway, then we lost Sidda and, then, we lost the Baby. Can't we get a puppy, mom?" OMG. I wanted to pull the car off the road and lay down in the grass and cry and scream. She was just so matter of fact. It's so black and white for kids. I'll never get there, I know, but, it's interesting to see how their brains and hearts work.
I don't want to throw my china against the granite most days, anymore. I do occasionally wait for Rob to go to bed so that I can cry, though (like today). My worst days since my last post were when I went for my "follow up" appointment....which, unless you are still having physical issues, I'd urge you just to phone that one in. I was hoping for any kind of answer or closure...and, I basically, got nothing but a prescription for valium. Don't get me wrong, that may come in handy. But, I've been with my DR for almost 20 years....and, he knows me...and, he knows my longing for answers. Science was unable to provide them...and, he was only able to provide a broken heart along side mine, nothing more. The second worst day was one of the first days I went back to work....man, work has been a refuge. No one asks me for anything there except my work - no one needs chocolate milk, snacks, their bottoms wiped, nothing! It's amazing! But, I'd faced the first day, and it was HARD. It must have been the 3rd or 4th day that Bob, the man who started our firm, was there. I was in the mail room and he came in. I don't know what had come over me, but, I was just thinking I was me and not the heartbroken me. He is the SWEETEST MAN. I mean, he is almost as sweet as my Daddy. And, he was so sincere and looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry about your baby, Tara". And, he hugged me. And, I just cried and cried. I hope I didn't make him feel weird because I wrapped him in a two arm hug and didn't let go for quite a while. I didn't recover from that conversation - or sentence, as it was - for a couple of days - honestly, it was one of the sweetest moments of my life. So honest and sincere. You don't get that every day in your life.
Maybe I was supposed to learn from this that people in this life really do care about me. Maybe, this was to bring friends back into my life that had been absent for a few years. Maybe, it was to make me learn to appreciate what I had been taking for granted. I don't know. I do know that I'm trying so hard to re-image our very near and our far off future without that baby girl. And it sucks. It is not fun. It's crazy how quickly your future plans can change and how quickly those dreams can shatter. It's such a deep sadness, that, I know others have experienced. My aunt who is mourning her husband of 50+ years, my friend who lost her sister, the many people I know who've lost their parents. It's a different loss than I've ever known. I do know this...those three sleeping babies upstairs are enough. They are more than I ever hoped and dreamed for...and, they fill my heart to bursting. There was more than enough room for another, and, I'm learning to live with God's plan for us. I'm thankful that more than my dreams for my life have been fulfilled, and, thanking my lucky stars that we even got to imagine the thought of that sweet baby.
