It's been a year almost since I posted...and, 2018 isn't a year I'd ever want to repeat. Thankfully, it ended 1 million times better than it began. I've been sick for about 3 weeks and am finally on the right concoction to get this sinus infection cleared up, but, today at work we were talking about how last January was so hard with payrolls, etc. I said - well, last January was terrible, and, I do feel so much better about our deadlines workwise, but, I'm still stressing! (Last January, I also got a sinus infection and the flu after losing our baby, and, Marlin had the flu - and, maybe Madeline? Who can keep up - it was the month from hell). Anyway, we have this sweet high school boy interning with us, and, he asked, "Why was last January so hard?" I just said, "well, I lost my baby." It was a little awkward, but, he just said he didn't know. I tried hard not to cry, but, I some tears made it out while I stared at my monitor.
Her name was Maggie Smith Adkisson. I don't think I've ever said that. In my mind, I talk to her and call her by name. I know Jesus calls her by name.
It took a lot this year for me to get through some days. I will say that I'm so very thankful that I didn't lose her before I had other children. If I'd come home to an empty house after losing her, I don't know that I'd ever gotten out of the bed again.
Like many events in my life, I'd have loved to have managed the past year with more grace. I hope that most people feel that way? I don't know - does anyone look back at any tragedy and think, man, I was graceful as all get out!!! Perhaps...but, not me.
We started attending church regularly around Easter - I was still mad as hell. I didn't necessarily want to be there, but, we had friends encouraging us to go and I thought it was good for the kids. After a few weeks, I found it was good for me. And, it is good for me. And, for the kids. And, for Robbie. And, for our marriage. Its a super contemporary church, and it's LOUD and there are no hymnals or choir robes, but, there is Jesus and there is learning, and, there is growth. Attending regularly has helped me - as, it has always in my life. God is so good. Even when you don't understand why things happen.
There is really no point to this post, other than for me to confess that I survived. It was a shitty, shitty year. She is gone. She will never breathe the earth's air. I miss her desperately. But, I survived a year, and, I'll survive the next lifetime. But, God as my witness, when I meet her in Heaven, that will be a glorious day. I pray that I will live a long time here without her, though, because, these babies that God blessed me with sure are amazing. I'm thankful everyday that I have this family and children that drive me nuts and act like hooligans and dogs that chew things and poop in kennels and make huge messes. For a job I love, friends that we love and love us back. One day, we'll understand all of the trials God gives us. Until then, I'm trying to live my best life, love my people, live with some kind of grace.
Next time, I'll tell yall about our new(ish!) puppy - we got her in July...and, she's AMAZE. And, that my babies are SEVEN and my Molly is ALMOST NINE. And, HOW DID ROBBIE AND I BOTH TURN 40 BECAUSE WE ARE CLEARLY STILL 35. It truly is a wonderful life, the highs can be so high and the lows so very, very low. I am surviving, and I'll never be the same, but, maybe that's because I was never meant to be the same.
